Do you assume everyone else is more confident than you?

How often do you catch yourself thinking that it’s alright for someone else because they’re more confident?

Far too often I hear women saying that they’re not going to do something – go for that new role, volunteer to speak, ask for that pay rise, volunteer for an organisation they admire – because they’re not confident enough.

It makes me so sad.

What do you think it is that makes me and the other confident women you admire so different to you?

Action – that’s what!

Action builds confidence!

Action even when you’re feeling nervous!

Yes that’s right even when you feel nervous.

I love public speaking. Yes really – I actually enjoy it. It wasn’t always this way but I took action enough times that it became enjoyable. But, I feel nerves every time I get up to speak. People who are confident still get nervous. Confidence is not the absence of nerves! I’m going to say that again, confidence is not the absence of nerves! And if you think it is. If you think that you can only call yourself confident once you no longer feel nervous you could have a very long wait!

So how do I and other women you’re labelling as confident deal with this?

Let’s continue with the example of public speaking. I know that I’ll be okay and I’ll do a good job as I have so much past evidence of this being true. But I only have this evidence because I’ve taken action again and again and again. I did not wait for the day that I wouldn’t feel nervous standing in front of a large group of people to speak. I got on with it and my actions built the confidence.

And yes, I still feel nervous but I have so much evidence that it will be fine and that I’ll enjoy it and feel great at the end that I’m able to reframe those nerves as excitement with relative ease.

I shared this with the women doing my group coaching programme over the summer and one of them told us that she’d passed on this learning to a friend who was talking herself out of doing something as she wasn’t confident enough. I was so pleased!

And that’s why I’m sharing it here today. I want as many of you as possible to understand that confidence is not the absence of nerves, of fear or of doubt. It’s carrying on and taking action anyway. It’s the action that will build the confidence.

One of the most nerve-wracking things I ever did was ask for a pay rise. I survived and got the rise and felt amazing afterwards. I stood up for what I thought was right despite how sick with nerves I felt. And to be honest I felt amazing even before I found out my request was successful. It was the action that was so important.

Stop telling yourself that you’re not confident as your brain will keep giving you evidence of lack of confidence as that’s how it’s programmed to work. Instead start telling yourself that you are growing in confidence. Tell yourself that you are behaving like a confident woman and your brain will start presenting you with every little piece of evidence of that. All the things that you’ve discounted because you felt nervous whilst you were doing them. I promise you every time you take an action despite of your nerves that will present you and your brain with more and more evidence of confidence and that’s how your confidence will grow!

I specialise in helping women to build their confidence so that you can live the life that truly lights you up. I help you to let go of perfectionism and imposter syndrome. I help you to increase your self-esteem and self-belief. I help you to feel more confident at work so that Sunday night feeling is a thing of the past. I help you to feel like you again!