Fear of failure
Last year I wrote about how fear of failure holds us back and I’ve decided it’s time to revisit it as over the last few weeks I’ve spoken to so many women who, having added twelve months plus of lockdowns and restrictions into the mix, are feeling even more fearful of failure than ever. But, after what we’ve all been through and are still going through, I think it’s more important than ever to be moving forward rather than holding ourselves back.
How often do you fail even to begin because you’re so scared of failing? As children we know that failing is a normal part of growing and learning. You're learning to ride a bike, you fall off, you get right back on again. You're learning to swim - you keep going until you can finally manage that width without a float or armbands. Or in my case you do it because as a seven-year-old you're too scared of the swimming instructor to disobey!
A very good friend of mine said to me, "I'd love to try something new but I know I won't because I just can't bear to be bad at something. I've got used to being an expert and I like that." I'm sure she isn't alone in feeling that way. As we grow up and become more self-aware and self-conscious, we're less willing to try new things. We become more aware of being measured, of there being a pass and fail mark. We feel like we have more to lose. But, how much are we losing by not even trying because we're so scared of failing?
How many people are there who’d love to start a business or a side hustle but are just too scared of failure to give it a go? How many of us would love to change job or career but are so fearful of rejection that we don't put that application in? How many of us hold back from applying for a promotion because we’re afraid we won’t get it?
How do we get past this and move ourselves into action? I start by asking my clients what it is that they are specifically afraid of when they say they're scared of failing. Perhaps it's fear of what other people will say. Or it may be a fear of losing money. Sometimes it's fear of losing people's respect or indeed being labelled a loser.
I know when I feel afraid of failure and I start to examine why, the feeling doesn't stand up to examination for long. Other than failing my driving test I don't have many examples in my life of outright failure. Like most people I've applied for jobs that I haven't got but I don't think I ever labelled myself as a failure for trying. Once I analyse how I'm feeling and what I'm actually afraid of I realise that I'm afraid of the discomfort that trying to achieve my goal is going to cause. The move out of my comfort zone into my stretch zone. I often worry what other people will think. I'm concerned about it being hard. I'm concerned about how much it will cost me in both time and money. When I make myself think about what failure itself will look like I realise that it won't be that bad. Instead the feeling of not even trying would be even worse.
Take for example when I was made redundant from what, at the time, was my dream job. I loved everything about it and would happily have stayed there for many more years. Using the process of decision making I teach to my clients I worked out that my next best step was to start my own business as a freelance consultant. It was scary. I'd never even thought of self-employment before. I was scared of many things but not once was I scared of failure. My attitude was that I was going to try and if it didn't succeed I would work out what to do next. There would always be other options but right now that felt like the right option and I was going for it. I teach this same method of discernment to my clients. It gives the confidence to make decisions and move into action knowing that those decisions can and will be adjusted as necessary.
Another technique I use with my clients afraid of failing is to ask them to consider the worst-case scenario - what will failure look and feel like? Now, imagine twelve months from now and you've done nothing about pursuing this dream you have. What will feel worse, having tried and perhaps failed or having done nothing at all? What will inaction cost you? What will inaction cost your family? What is it already costing you?
If the thought of the worst-case scenario is truly terrifying is there a half-way house? How could you move towards your goal without going all in financially for example? Is there a way of starting a side business and seeing how it works out before you decide to leave your job? Is there a way of negotiating a sabbatical from work to travel and try a different way of living for a few months before you make a decision to emigrate? Who can you speak with who has already done what you want to do? Could they lay some of your fears to rest?
There’s an exercise that coaches often use called the rocking chair exercise. You’re asked to imagine you’re in your eighties or nineties and relaxed in your rocking chair looking back over your life. What do you want to look back on? What is it that you want to have filled your days and brought you satisfaction and joy? Is the life you’re living now going to get you there or is fear of failure holding you back? Why not try some of the techniques above to examine and move past that fear?
I hope this helps if you are feeling stuck at the moment.
I’m absolutely passionate about helping women to believe in themselves. To unlock your confidence so that you can get unstuck and create the life that will light you up. To that end I am running a new free masterclass series. The “I am enough” masterclasses.
Masterclass one - Why best is better than perfectionism! Freeing yourself from the burden of perfectionism is happening on Tuesday 4th May at 7.30pm BST. In this masterclass you’ll learn how to let go of perfectionism even if you’ve behaved this way for decades. It is truly life changing to leave behind perfectionism!
Learn to say no with confidence and without the guilt is taking place on Wednesday 12th May at 7.45pm BST. If you’re someone who says yes when she wants to say no, who worries what other people think when you do say no or you're wracked with guilt for saying no it’s time to let go of that guilt and say no with confidence.
The link to secure your place at these free masterclasses is here. Be sure to sign up and secure your place today. Don’t worry if you can’t make the classes live as there will be replays available but attend live and you’ll be able to ask your questions during the masterclass and there will be spot prizes for those taking part.
I’m really excited about these masterclasses. They are part of my mission to help a minimum of 1000 women to unlock their confidence this year so I’d love it if you’d sign up and spread the word! Let the women in your life who need to believe that they are enough know about these masterclasses.
