It's Halloween - what scares you?

I have to confess that I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween. As a child we played duck apple and trying to eat the sticky bun hanging from a string with our hands behind our back but it was never a big thing in our house. There was no trick or treating, especially as at that time here in the UK the trick or treaters expected to be given a bit of spare change rather than sweets so it was basically door to door begging in my parents’ eyes! I never felt I was missing out. There was not lots of talk at school about who was dressing as what or of parties. It just wasn’t a big deal.

That said I’m not a complete killjoy. I love seeing children enjoying themselves at Halloween, dressed up, accompanied by a responsible adult calling at the houses that have decorated for Halloween. That seems to be the code in our local area. The children can knock at the doors and yell “Trick or treat!” as loudly as they like at the houses where they have put the Halloween decorations up. I have to confess to really enjoying the year that my sister dressed my then two-year-old nephew as a pumpkin and let him answer the door to the trick or treaters. That and the Halloween episode of Peppa Pig! Best Halloween ever.

It being Halloween has made me think about the question – what scares you? Scared is not a word I use very often. It’s a strong word. I would usually describe myself as being apprehensive about something or a bit nervous. Rarely scared. That is until recently. Cancer changed that. I have heard myself use the word. And I have allowed myself to be okay with that. This is a period of life during which things are happening to me that are beyond my normal experience and my control and sometimes I’m scared and that’s okay. I have people around me who will support me through it and I will come out the other side.

All of us have things in our lives that scare us at some time or other. Some people are scared of spiders. Others of flying. Our fears are not necessarily a problem unless they start limiting our day-to-day life. At one point I was so fearful of driving that it was ruining my enjoyment of life. Not driving was no longer an option. I wasn’t living in London anymore with the underground a two minute walk from my front door. I was back in the suburbs in the north and I’d taken a job that required me to have a car. So, what did I do? I drove. I learnt my route to work and got comfortable doing it. I’d take myself out for a drive on a Saturday and explore roads I’d not driven before to practise and just get more comfortable being in the car. I overcame my fear and built confidence by doing the thing that scared me.

Eventually my fear was just of motorway driving but I knew I couldn’t avoid it. There was many a weekend away or holiday that was spoiled by my dread of the driving, but I kept on doing. Instead of avoiding it. Instead of telling myself I couldn’t because I was scared I got on with it. I don’t mind driving now. Motorway driving isn’t my favourite past time, but I don’t mind doing it. I would never tell anyone that it scares me because it doesn’t.

Those of you who read my blog regularly or listen to my podcast, Unlock Your Confidence with Clare Walsh will know that I regularly urge you to be careful about the language that you use, both when you speak to yourself and when you speak about yourself to others. Our brains are wonderful, complex machines that are programmed to present us with the information we need to function. So if you constantly tell anyone who will listen that you are really scared of public speaking – the number one fear of the British public - your brain will dutifully produce lots of evidence of the times when you’ve had sweaty palms and have stumbled over your words. Or all the times when you’ve somehow managed to wriggle out of being the one to give the presentation at work. What it won’t do is remind you of the times when you’ve spoken up in a team meeting and it’s been fine. Or reminded you that although you did have sweaty palms before that presentation all the feedback you got was fabulous.

I had a client who told me she hated public speaking and was terrible at it. She had the sweaty palms, the knocking knees, the worry that she was going to let herself, her team and everyone else down. Before the event she’d lie awake in bed worrying about it. After the event she’d lie awake picking apart everything that in her eyes had gone wrong.

This was a big deal. Speaking in public was an important part of her role. We moderated her language around public speaking. Swapped “hate” for a less loaded word. I got her to note down all the positive feedback she got. I got her to focus on the positive outcomes from her public speaking. I shared that I love public speaking and yet I will always feel the adrenaline going before I have to get up to speak. No matter how much I may be looking forward to it. It’s my choice whether I frame that as nerves or excitement. By the time we finished working together she had come to realise that nerves are normal – it doesn’t mean that you aren’t good at it. That her ability to speak with just bullet point notes is something most people would envy. That people enjoy listening to her speak and she’s really good at it. No longer was she telling me, herself or anyone else that she hated public speaking.

Are your fears, the things that scare you holding you back from what you really want to do? If they are what actions could you take to start chipping away at that fear and building confidence instead? Remember, don’t wait to feel confident, action builds confidence.