It's time for the real me - I have a confession to make

(Trigger warning: cancer)

I have a confession to make. You've only been getting part of me and that's going to stop.
I've been going through so much, but I've only told you a fraction of it. Why?
 
Because I thought I needed to be professional. I needed to have this front where I seemed together and energised and on top of everything.
 
I'm spending much of my life at the moment being told "You look so well!" and I'm really grateful that I look so well but the fact is I'm living with side-effects of my cancer treatment that I never imagined. Fatigue that thirteen months after treatment finished is still really bad. Instant menopause and everything that that brings. Taking medication to block my hormones for the next ten years with a long list of side-effects. Can you imagine what that's like?
 
And right through my treatment I carried on posting on social media every single day because I didn't want to disappear. I didn't want you to forget who I am. And I carried on doing my podcast and blog and weekly emails.

During the third week of each chemo cycle when I felt a little more human I would schedule all my content and record my podcast episodes. I remember one week when I emailed an apology to my podcast producer for all the times I'd had to stop and re-record because my mouth was so sore.
 
I kept going. And I was rewarded as when last September I decided it was time to start coaching again people hadn't forgotten me. People who had worked with me before re-booked and new clients found me too.
 
But it's been really hard, because apart from anything else, I run two businesses. My consultancy work means traveling and it takes a lot of energy of which I'm short. I run out of energy fast and without realising it I've hit the wall and my body decides that's it for the day.

It's the kind of tiredness you can't sleep away and it's really hard to deal with when you find yourself turning down all evening invitations because you know you're done by then. "Can we do lunch instead?" has become my go-to phrase. It's normal though. This level of fatigue post cancer is very normal and I keep getting told to be patient and find ways of living with it. Cancer has been one long lesson in patience.
 
And if that wasn't enough I had genetic testing and found out I've inherited the BRCA2 faulty gene mutation which means I'm at an elevated risk of developing ovarian cancer and my risk of getting breast cancer again is astronomical. So, on top of trying to deal with all the side-effects and rebuilding my life and coaching business I'm facing major surgery.
 
I've taken the decision to have a double mastectomy and as there's a two year waiting list for the type of reconstruction I need I'll be going flat. A big change to face but one I'm confident I will deal with.
 
You're going to get more from me. Don't worry, I'm not going to start flashing surgery scars at you, but I'm no longer going to hide what's really going on. Cancer has changed me and continues to change me and side-effects aside, it's created a fire inside me. Watch this space!