What is perfectionism costing you?
I worked with a lovely client who by the end of our time together was refusing to even say the word perfect. In fact, when she wrote me a testimonial she wrote it as p*****tionism! That really made me smile because she’d recognised just how detrimental the idea that she had to be perfect all of the time or she would be letting down everyone was to her happiness and well-being.
In their book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self Assurance - What Women Should Know, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman list perfectionism as a confidence killer. It’s a particularly common trait in women. The feeling that we have to be perfect in everything we do and say, especially as parents and in the workplace is exhausting. Who even says what perfect is? How often are we prepared to say that what we’ve achieved is perfect? Pretty much never is the answer. And so we’re on an endless quest for something we never achieve.
Some would argue that by reaching for perfection we’re ensuring that what we do and achieve is always excellent. But is that really the case? Do we need to strive for the unattainable perfect in order to do our best work? Why set ourselves up to feel disappointed that we haven’t reached the nadir of perfection?
I admit that I’m a recovered perfectionist. In my twenties and thirties I really thought that anything less than perfect just wasn’t good enough. I thought that made me responsible, a good daughter, an excellent employee. But, what it actually did was feed my story that I wasn’t good enough, that anything less than perfection was failure and unacceptable. I was scared of being found out. I was scared of being found wanting. And it was no fun. It was so much pressure and killed creativity.
How do you try something new if anything less than perfection is unacceptable? This probably explains why, despite loving writing, I went from leaving sixth form until two years ago without letting anyone read anything I wrote. And do you know what happened when I got over my fear, when I let go of the need to be perfect? I was short-listed in a short story competition, was a runner-up and had my story published in a book! Goodbye perfectionism!
In the last few years I’ve come to realise that done is much better than perfect. That I need to start before I’m ready, because the fact is I am ready. Everything does not have to be lined up and perfect before I get started. If that was the case I wouldn’t have been blogging for nearly 18 months!
Perfectionism is exhausting. It holds us back. Women are much more likely than men to be overqualified and over prepared. Kay and Shipman quote a study conducted at Hewlett-Packard to find out how to get more women into the top management positions. This is what they reported, “The authors found that the women working at Hewlett-Packard applied for promotions only when they believed they met 100% of the qualifications necessary for the job. The men were happy to apply when they thought they could meet 60% of the job requirements.”
When I read this I really wasn’t surprised as I know that in the past I’ve held back from applying for roles I really wanted if I couldn’t tick all the essential boxes and the majority, if not all, of the desirable criteria. I know female friends who’ve done the same. What a waste of the many talents and abilities of so many more than capable women.
What if we stopped over preparing? What if we stopped measuring ourselves against impossible levels of perfection? Salvadore Dali said, “Have no fear of perfection – you will never reach it.” This is so true and yet we keep trying.
As I said earlier, I’ve stopped striving for perfection. And guess what? The world didn’t end, no one has complained about my professionalism or the standard of my work. Things still get done on time. My work is still thoughtful and accurate. But most importantly, I’m so much happier. The pressure has lifted. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to say, “That’s good enough. I’m good enough.” I’m more creative as a result. Ironically my writing is probably better now that it no longer has to be perfect. I’m more fun, especially as a host – if the tablecloth isn’t ironed, the place settings are mismatched, I didn’t have time to buy flowers, so what? My guests are there to enjoy each other’s company, the food, the drink – that’s what’s important.
What about you? Is perfectionism holding you back or are you a perfectionist in recovery? Or, is it time to enter that recovery process? I can highly recommend it!
I’m running a masterclass – Free Yourself from the Burden of Perfectionism on Monday 30th November at 10am GMT hosted by the wonderful women in the Ladies Life Lounge. You don’t have to be a member to join in. They’re offering you the chance to join the masterclass and have access to a recording for just £7! Here’s the link you need to secure your spot.
I’ll be giving you plenty of ideas in the masterclass of ways that you can let go of perfectionism and stop it ruling your life. I’d love you to join me.
