Guilty or grateful?
We are continuing our summer revisit of blogs. I wrote this one in February 2020 and it feels as relevant now as it did then, especially as I often caught myself saying I felt guilty about the effect my cancer was having on other people over the last two years!
As a coach I sometimes find that there’s a common thread among my clients. In the latter part of last year, I really began to notice how often my clients were telling me that they felt guilty. Guilty for taking time for themselves. Guilty that their husband had to do bath time as they were on the coaching call. Guilty that they hadn't cooked the evening meal even though they'd worked shorter hours than their partner that day. Guilty that they'd had to take time off work. Guilty that they'd spent an hour reading a book rather than catching up on the laundry. There was an awful lot of guilt about.
Guilt does of course have its place. If I've done something wrong - been short-tempered with a loved one or forgotten to do something I said I would my guilt is a reminder that I need to apologise and make amends. But when I've done that I need to move on. When my sister and I were growing up and we told our mum that we felt guilty about something she would often remind us that guilt is a wasted emotion when it's about something that you really have no control over or can’t change. However, I'd go one step further. Listening to my clients I've come to realise that often guilt is the wrong emotion, not just a wasted one. Let me explain.
When faced with a client repeatedly using the word guilty I ask her how that's making her feel. How would she rather feel? We examine the events that are causing these feelings of guilt and I ask questions around them.
An example would be, "So, your partner is bathing your daughter this evening and you feel guilty. How do you think they feel?"
Often the answer is along the lines of, "My daughter really enjoys daddy bath times. There's lots of laughter. And daddy loves it too."
"So, they're laughing, having fun and enjoying themselves and you're feeling guilty. How could you be feeling instead?"
There is often a pause for thought at this point but, more often than not, whatever the circumstance, the answer is grateful.
I feel grateful my partner is able to do bath time tonight so I can make this call.
I feel grateful that my partner cooked tonight.
I feel grateful I was able to take time off work.
I feel grateful that I was able to have an hour to myself to read a book I'm really enjoying.
By the time my client has finished re-framing the list of things that she feels guilty about as things she feels grateful for she usually looks and sounds so much lighter!
We train ourselves to think certain ways and it becomes habit. It becomes so easy to constantly say that we feel guilty, but with a little conscious effort we can create a healthier habit. I feel guilty I was late for the meeting becomes I'm really grateful I got there safely in the end and people were willing to wait for me. I feel guilty that I'm not always there for the children because of work becomes I feel grateful I have a job that allows me to provide for my family and gives such a good example to my children. I feel guilty that I had to take time off work becomes I'm grateful I was able to have paid sick leave while I recovered.
And, as an added bonus, as we change our mindset and start to train ourselves to feel grateful rather than guilty it becomes natural to thank people instead of apologising to them. I don’t know about you but when someone greets me with a smile and thanks it makes me feel so much lighter than our conversation beginning with sorry. “Thanks so much for waiting, I got stuck in traffic.” I’d much rather hear words of appreciation and thanks rather than an apology when there really isn’t anything to apologise for.
I now make a point of catching myself when I'm about to say that I feel guilty about something. Do I really feel guilt? Is guilt the appropriate response? What’s a more helpful way to see this and to feel?
Guilt is exhausting and I certainly don't want to waste my energy on it unnecessarily. How about you? Are you even aware of how often your response to a situation is guilt? Are you aware of how many times a day you apologise? May I suggest that you consciously note every time you say or think that you feel guilty over the next week. Jot them down and see what the most appropriate re-frame is for you.
If you haven't already I'd love you to come and join my free facebook community where I can help you to explore living in a way that lights you up rather than weighs you down.
