I get to choose and so do you. Choosing to flourish!

My word for this year is flourish. I knew after so long on NHS waiting lists and facing major surgery I really want to not just move forward but to flourish.

I finally had my surgery on 12th February. All went well thankfully and I’m recovering slowly but surely. More slowly than I anticipated if I’m honest but my body has been through so much I shouldn’t really be surprised.

I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon on 6th March. It should have been a week earlier but the pathology results weren’t back in time. By the time 6th March arrived I was really nervous. I was hoping and praying that I’d be told there was no sign of cancer in either breast and we could all move on.

I went to the appointment on my own. My choice. There was something in the demeanour of the nurse who collected me from the waiting room that set me on high alert that I was about to hear bad news. The couple of minutes I sat in that room waiting for the surgeon and his team to arrive was torture. “I’m afraid we had a bit of a surprise.” were his words. “I’ve prepared myself for a surprise” I heard myself say, “just tell me.”

There was cancer in my right breast. “So now both of them have tried to kill me.” was what I heard going through my head. Meanwhile, the surgeon was explaining it had been caught early. No further treatment is required beyond the medication I’m already taking.

I left the appointment knowing that I now had to tell people. My mum, my sister, my friends. I found myself telling people it’s “bad news, good news” trying to be as positive and practical as possible. I managed not to cry until I got onto the carpark and the friend giving me a lift hugged me.

Although I’d prepared myself I was shocked.

Although nothing else needs to be done it still wasn’t the news I’d wanted to hear. Hearing how shocked the whole multidisciplinary team had been didn’t help.

Twenty minutes later as I walked into the house there was a part of me that was so determined to flourish no matter what. Acknowledging the fact that this time of recouperation and convalescence isn’t just about recovering physically, it’s also going to be a time to question everything. To totally reassess my life, how I live it, how I spend my time, energy and resources. To keep asking “Who am I now and what’s next?” so that I can make the most of life and truly flourish.

The fact is I’m okay at the moment but I can’t guarantee that I will be forever. I’ve done everything I can. I've had the treatment, taken the meds that leave me with awful side-effects and yet cancer had been growing again. I’ve had the double mastectomy which has greatly reduced my risk of it coming back but hasn’t eliminated it completely. That risk will always be hanging over me and the news on 6th March really brought that home.

About 48 hours later I had a massive wobble. The fear that one day this will get me is very real. I let myself cry. I let myself grieve. I let myself get angry that I had to fight so hard for genetic testing in the first place and then have my surgery cancelled three times.

I got up the next morning knowing that it’s more important than ever to make the most of now. To ensure that I’m living life in the most authentic and honest way possible. That I’m not putting off things until some unspecified date. That I’m not spending precious time and energy on things that don’t matter to me or don’t make me happy.

This has been a brutally honest and raw post. Thank you for being here with me. I thought long and hard about sharing this. But it’s my truth. It’s the reason that doing the work I do is so important to me. I don’t want any of us who’ve been through something life-changing to be so stuck in the trauma and fear that we’re not living. I don’t want us to be feeling so lost that we can’t work out who we are anymore.

When I finished cancer treatment in 2022 I realised that I’m not the same and never will be again and that’s okay. The last few weeks have changed me again. Physically I’m totally altered. Mentally I’m dealing with a new reality. But I get to choose. I get to choose to find acceptance of who I am now, who I’m becoming and choose new doors to open and explore.

I choose to flourish no matter what.

And you get to choose too. We all do.

Thank you for being here with me and for all the messages of concern and sympathy, especially when my surgery was cancelled three times. I really appreciate you.