No one thing is going to fix your life

This week I want to share my thoughts on a topic that I've been pondering for a little while now, the idea that we can fix our lives if we just sort out this one thing, or achieve that one goal. Remember all those fairy tales we were read as children where the knight in shining armour rides up in the nick of time and rescues the beautiful princess? We grow up but those stories are part of our DNA. The idea that one person or one thing can sweep in and fix all of our problems. As we grow older the rescuer may change but the idea is still there. Often in our twenties it’s the perfect relationship. If I meet the right person and fall in love all my problems will be solved. I’ll be happy. If I could just get the right job everything will be fine. As we get a little older it’s the promotion, or the job with the right firm, the change in career, starting a family, starting your own business, buying the forever house. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things. In fact they’re all worthy and fulfilling goals. However, the idea that the new job, the new career, the child, the partner will fix everything that’s wrong with our life is dangerously misguided.

I’ve been there. If I can move roles, work for an organisation that matches my values, where I feel like I’m making a real contribution then everything will be fine. How wrong I was. I was expecting that job to fix everything else that was going on in my life. The fact that the job didn’t turn out to be what I expected didn’t help, but it certainly wasn’t to blame. Even if the job turns out to be exactly what you imagined it would be and you love it, it won’t be long before the other things in your life that are not quite right are beginning to niggle at you again. We get through the honeymoon period, the new job or relationship becomes the new normal and everything else comes into focus again. Our finances still need sorting out. Our house is still too small for the growing family. There’s still not enough family time or time with our partner. We're still not exercising regularly or eating properly.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to change something big in our lives. To achieve that big goal, whether it’s the important promotion, career move or new home for example. But, the feelings of satisfaction, happiness and newness will eventually wear off and the rest of life will be the same. This is why I work with my clients holistically to ensure that we look at the whole of their life. Even if they come to me knowing the area they really want to work on we spend at least one session looking at and setting values based goals for each area of their life to ensure that there is balance. Not that illusive work-life balance but a sense of purpose in all areas – a well-rounded life. We look at areas such as finances, home environment, family and friendship relationships, personal growth, fun and leisure, health, spirituality, career. These areas are always chosen to reflect the priorities, values and lifestyle of the client. This helps the client to gain real clarity about what she wants in all areas of her life and see how she’s moving towards that. Taking a holistic look at life can show up what’s working and what isn’t and can stop the neglect of an area getting any worse.

As I wrote in an earlier post we encourage children to have hobbies, to join groups and societies. We expect their lives to be about more than just study and home. But as adults it’s too easy to fall into the trap of expecting our work and our home life or any one thing to supply everything we need – to completely fulfil us. We put the pressure on the one new thing – whether that’s the job, the relationship, the new home to save us, to fix all the feelings of discontent that there may be. And while it may feel like it’s working in the short term, it’s never a long-term fix.

Let’s take the pressure off ourselves. Yes, that next career move or relationship is really important - go after it with energy, enthusiasm and purpose. But, remember all the other good things in your life. Put energy and focus into the people and experiences you enjoy. Make sure you are doing things you love to do. Make sure that you have an eye on your other goals too. Don’t expect any one thing to be your knight in shining armour and fix everything in your life.