Success?

I was 23 years old, three months out of university and in the job I imagined I’d have at the end of my career!

Success? It didn’t feel like it. I felt an utter fraud, there by default rather than any merit of my own. The talented, professional woman who had employed me had been made “redundant” and I was promoted into her position.

Instead of success I felt guilt and overwhelm and something else, something that I just couldn’t put my finger on. This inability to name what was wrong and to deal with it led first to physical illness and then to severe anxiety and depression.

Two decades on I can name exactly what was wrong. I had nowhere else to go. Already at 23 I was asking “Is this it?! If I’ve already achieved what I expected to achieve about twenty years from now, what else is there?”

I was overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at once – not a good combination.

Does this resonate? I know I’m not alone in this, asking, “Is this it?” Working so hard for something you really want, achieving success, but left feeling vaguely unsatisfied, a little empty. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being aware of how an achievement has made us feel is good, provided we acknowledge that feeling and do something about it.

Right through childhood I was always working towards something - academically at school, ballet and tap exams, music exams, performances, Girl Guide badges. I was always working towards several goals. Not that I’d have called them that but there were always several on the go. Then suddenly, here I was, successfully passed my Master’s degree, got a great job in London and I was so unhappy.

Now, as I look back it’s so obvious what was the matter. My constant working towards the next achievement wasn’t because I had incredibly pushy parents because they really weren’t. Supportive yes, pushy, no. No, it was because I absolutely thrived on it. And now there was a big hole in my life. Yes, on paper I had a great job and I was singing in one of the big London choirs, which was an amazing experience, but it just wasn’t enough. I’d been working towards a big career goal and I’d achieved it decades early and on top of that, it just wasn’t how I’d imagined it.

The subsequent two decades (not to mention the depression and anxiety) have taught me a lot and I’m still learning. My biggest piece of learning was, and remains, I need goals – plural. Focusing on just one area of my life to the detriment of others serves no one, least of all me. I feel successful when I’m growing, moving forward.

I’ve also learnt the importance of celebrating when I achieve my goals – enjoying the moment before I switch that freed up energy and time to working towards another of my goals.

Does this make me some sort of superhuman, constantly striving?

Well no. It makes me glad to be alive. It makes me alert to possibilities. It makes me dream about what I could achieve and how my life could be, but I rarely strive. It’s easier than that. I work hard. I make myself do things outside of my comfort zone, but I’m doing these things because I have a vision of how I want my life to be, of the person I want to be. Getting there is not about striving. It’s about growing, exploring, taking thought out action aligned with my values and goals.

How about you? Is there a gap in your life at the moment? A feeling of unease at the current status quo? I support women to trust themselves, building clarity, confidence and courage to take action to create a fulfilling and meaningful life that lights you up. Book a free thirty minute call to experience the power of coaching and to see how I could help you.