Worrying about what other people think

There are lots of things that hold us back from doing what we really want to do but the one that comes up so often in coaching sessions is worrying about what other people think.

I hear clients telling me (and themselves) stories about lack of money and time or knowledge but when we dig a little deeper those things can be overcome and then the truth surfaces. A fear of what other people will think is holding them back. A fear of what other people will say.

And it’s not always the big things like changing career or moving home. I’ve spoken to women who’ve held themselves back from trying a new hobby, buying a new car or at least the car they really want, changing their hair, dressing differently, drinking less alcohol, having a different sort of holiday than they usually do. All because they are worried about what other people will think or say.

And when we dig further about who they are these people, occasionally it is mum, sister, a best friend or partner but, more often than not, it’s an anonymous them. It’s an amalgam of the girls from the school playground from years ago, other mums that they don’t really know well, distant or old acquaintances who are now friends on facebook, relatives they never see. In other words it’s people who aren’t really a part of their day-to-day life. People who aren’t part of their support network. People whose opinions don’t really matter.

And when it is mum or partner or sibling very often the concern we have is in our own head, not theirs. When I decided I wanted to train as a coach I was deeply concerned about how my mum, friends and sister would take the idea of me doing my coaching diploma and setting up another business. In my head I’d decided that they’d think it was mad, that I was doing too much, that I’d be wasting my time, time that I didn’t have. I was completely wrong. In reality they were supportive, excited for me and proud of me for wanting to move my life forward. I wasted so much energy worrying about what they would think when in fact what I got was a team of cheerleaders supporting me every step of the way!

And even if they hadn’t been as supportive and excited should that have mattered? I’m a grown woman more than capable of discerning what is the right path for me, what the right next step is for me. It’s me who will be looking back at my life in years to come and I don’t want that to be with regret for the paths I chose not to at least try.

Worrying about what other people think can become such an ingrained habit that we don’t even realise that it’s what’s holding us back. We dress it up as being considerate of other people’s feelings, of not wanting to rock the boat when it’s neither of these things.

Discussing a major life change with your partner that is going to affect the whole family is right and proper. But holding back from buying the car you really want because it may make someone you have little to do with jealous or think you’re full of yourself is not being considerate. It’s denying yourself what you really want.

Continuing to drink more alcohol than you want to because you don’t want your friends to feel uncomfortable if you aren’t drinking when they are is disrespectful to yourself and your needs. Yes, some of your friends may feel uncomfortable about your choice but that says more about their relationship to alcohol than yours if they feel someone else has to be drinking to give them permission to do the same.

We only get one shot at this life. I am someone who prides myself on being considerate of others. Of being respectful of other people and their feelings. Of treating other people with courtesy and being polite. But this doesn't mean I put what other people may think ahead of my own needs.

Especially not that anonymous amalgam of other people who don’t really know me. They don’t know my dreams for my future. They don’t know what sort of person I want to be. They don’t know what life I’m trying to create.

So what can we do to break the habit?

Firstly name the people. Are you worrying about someone real and important in your life or the anonymous “them”?

If it’s someone real how important is their opinion on this? Will changing your hairstyle really impact your mother’s life? What would you say if it were the other way round, if it was them contemplating this change? I’m betting it wouldn’t be something mean.

If it’s that amalgam of distant acquaintances, mums you don’t really know well, friends you barely see it’s time to get some perspective. Whose opinion really matters? Whose life is this? Are you really going to let people who probably never think about you stop you from living your life your way? Are you really going to stop getting the haircut you want or driving the car that you want because someone, somewhere who you hardly know may or may not make a snide comment that you will probably never hear? Really?

We’ve all been there. We’ve played smaller. We’ve held ourselves back because we’ve been worried that someone somewhere may make a mean comment. Let’s not do this anymore. If nothing else, this last year of sickness, lockdown and restrictions has shown us just how precious life is, just how much we value what we have. It’s time to stop worrying unnecessarily about what other people may think.

I’m passionate about helping women to unlock their confidence so that they can lead lives that light them up. It’s why I became a coach. I believe that we can live a lit up life and still be the loving, considerate women we’ve always been. It’s time to stop putting off until a never arriving tomorrow what’s really important to us. For this reason I have brought out another great free gift for you. So many women tell me that they struggle to say no, they feel wracked with guilt when they do and they worry so much about what other people will think of them that they say yes to things they really don’t want to be doing! It’s time to stop. My new guide will give you concrete ways to be clearer about your boundaries and say no with confidence. It will help you to reframe how you think about those nos! Click here for access to your free copy of Saying No with Confidence and Without the Guilt.