Would you speak to your best friend like that?
How many times a day do you say something negative, unkind or downright mean to yourself? Are you even conscious that you’re doing it? What would happen if you replaced that mean, negative voice with a loving supportive voice? What would happen if we spoke to ourselves the same way we speak to someone we love and respect?
Sometimes the mean voice we use with ourselves is quite subtle. We say it’s for our own good, that we just want to be better. But, when you want to help your child or someone you love to be better I bet you don’t use the language and tone you’re using when you talk to yourself. Shaming people or ourselves does not lead to self-improvement.
When I’m working with my clients I begin to get an insight into the running commentary that their inner voice provides. “I’m not good enough”, “Someone like me could never…”, “I’ve never been organised”, “I can’t…” , “I’ll never be able to because…”, “I’m not worthy…”. More often than not the client has never questioned any of these statements and are shocked when they hear me repeat back to them the words they have just used about themselves. They have a negative committee in their head providing a running commentary on everything they do and everything they aspire to do and are letting it inform what they think they can be, do and have in life. So, what can we do about it?
The first thing I would suggest is to become conscious of this voice. Become aware of how you’re speaking to yourself and what you’re saying. Catch yourself and stop it. Ask yourself, is this how I’d speak to someone I loved? So what if you’ve made a mistake. Rectify it, learn from it, but don’t berate yourself. Ask yourself whether this would be an acceptable way for anyone else to speak to you? Odds are it isn’t! Some of my clients find it helpful to name the voice. For one, it was her gremlin on her shoulder. For another, her inner mean girl.
Once you’re conscious of the voice try and spot when it happens. Is it when you’re tired and run down? Is it when you’ve made a mistake or feel out of your comfort zone? What could you do to ensure that you’re doing the harder things at a time when you’re higher in energy and feeling more positive?
We can train ourselves to speak to ourselves with more kindness. It can start by catching ourselves in the moment and saying, “Thank you for your input but that’s not an acceptable way to speak to me. Come back when you have something positive to say.” This may sound a little ridiculous but believe me, it works. You’ve developed a habit of speaking to yourself negatively or meanly and like any habit you have to do something else to change or break it. Once your inner critic is at least speaking more kindly to you the next step is to say, “Thank you for your input but I’ve got this. I’m giving it a go.” Or try, “Thank you for wanting to keep me safe, but I think this is going to be good for us.”
Using the above methods I’ve got my mean inner critic pretty much under control. But when I’m tired, low energy or just plain old hungry the mean voice creeps in. “Look at the state of you” or “You’re so lazy!”. That has to be my favourite. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m the least likely person ever to be labelled lazy. Other than by tired, hungry me that is! But it’s occasional, no longer a constant mean companion.
How about you? Have you managed to quieten your inner critic? Do you speak to yourself with the love and respect you speak to those you care about? Or like me, are you still a work in progress? I’d love to hear whether today’s suggestions are helpful or whether you have any helpful hints or tips.
